Presley is a funny, smart, hard-working assistant for a late-night Comedy Show. About a year and a half ago, Presley’s mom, who was an alcoholic, died. Their relationship was thorny, and Presley’s grief was complex. Mourning is on her mind, but Presley doesn’t discuss it with her friends or colleagues. That’s Presley’s pattern. People love Presley and want to be close to her. But, she shares limited personal information with her roommate / best friend, colleagues at work, crush, or newest friend –Presley’s mom’s childhood best friend.
Presley struggles to trust that people are honest with her. She wonders what they see in her and believes that liking her is a mark of bad judgment. Presley is so skeptical of others that she’s built a brick wall of boundaries to protect herself from them.
Therapists frequently encourage people to set boundaries to protect their mental health. But Presley is too effective at boundaries, and her boundaries are rigid.
Rigid boundaries wall a person off, making it hard for others to get emotionally close. Many people with rigid boundaries have a history of abusive, manipulative, or otherwise unreliable relationships. These negative experiences led them to believe that avoiding intimacy by keeping others at a distance lessens the possibility that they will be rejected, hurt, or let down.
Here are tips to relax rigid boundaries.
Differentiate Self-Protecting from Self-Sabotaging: Unhelpful thoughts like “I need to end things before they get to know the real me,” or “They’ll inevitably break up with me, so I’ll do it first,” are self-sabotages masking as self-protection.
Say Yes More Often: Hang out with people. Let friends help you. When someone tries to get to know you, meet them halfway by sharing your thoughts, feelings, history, and stories. Collect positive experiences with others and remind yourself to acknowledge and remember them.
Change Gradually: Boundaries can be weak, healthy, or rigid. Impulsive, dramatic change leads to overcorrecting. Take small steps to avoid switching from rigid to weak boundaries.
Love Cat Shook? Me too. Check out my post on Allyship and IF WE’RE BEING HONEST by Cat Shook.
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