Helping Friends in Abusive Relationships and PICTURES OF YOU by Emma Grey

Evie fell for Oliver at first sight, and they started dating. Oliver accessed her schedule (to remind her to study), tracked her phone (to keep her safe), and convinced her to ditch her friends (to spend all their time together). To Evie, the love bombing felt romantic, obsessive, confusing, and scary.

Oliver did everything possible to isolate Evie. He argued, manipulated, and threatened her until she told her friends and parents to leave her alone. The drama he manifested worked, and Evie’s loved ones gave up on her under his bullying rule. Evie was utterly reliant on Oliver.

Evie and Oliver were in an abusive relationship. Telltale signs include Oliver's control, manipulation, and isolation upon Evie. Several friends wanted to support Evie and tried valiantly to provide her with ways out of the abusive relationship. But, like many friends of people in abusive situations, Evie’s friends didn’t know what to do. Their efforts were unsuccessful.

Friends can provide key support for people experiencing abusive relationships.  Here is a toolkit for helping friends in abusive relationships:

Stay Connected: If it feels like your friend is pushing you away, remember that they are potentially being manipulated away from you by their abuser. Keep communicating, remembering to check in periodically. Tell your friend the good you see in them.

Share Concerns: Use I-statements when expressing your thoughts, feelings, and observations. Come from a place of love and compassion. Never ask your abused friend to pick between you and the abuser.

Listen, Believe, and Validate: Give your abused friend plenty of space to talk and actively listen. Believe what they tell you. Validate their experience and reflect on the gravity of what you are hearing. Remind your friend that the abuse is not their fault.

Offer Help Gathering Info: Knowledge is power. Offer to research for them. Call a local domestic violence hotline and ask for information about legal, mental health, housing, and other local resources.

Love Emma Grey? Me too. Check out my post on The Non-Linear Process of Grief and THE LAST LOVE NOTE by Emma Grey.