Everyone thinks Lucy killed her best friend, Savvy, and her defense was flimsy: she didn’t remember. When Savvy died, Lucy was living with her husband, Matt. Even before Savvy’s death, their neighbors thought that Matt was a nice guy, a charmer, married to a deeply flawed woman. People wondered what he saw in her. Matt and Lucy fought; neighbors heard it, but no one took it seriously.
Appearances were deceiving. Matt had a temper and was violent. Lucy worked hard to avoid angering him. He hurt her anyway. When she defended herself, Matt convinced her she was at fault for hurting him. Lucy stopped trusting herself. Oddly enough, she got out of this marriage because he also believed that she killed Savvy, and became scared of her.
Lucy experienced battered person syndrome, also known as battered woman syndrome.
People feel helpless when harmed by intimate partners. Also, many victims of abuse incorrectly assume that their behavior provokes outbursts, meaning that their partner’s violence is – at least in part – their fault. As time passes, battered spouses think they deserve abuse and that it is an inescapable reality. This is one of a multitude of reasons why many battered people, like Lucy, do not report the abusive partner.
Here are tools for recovering from battered person syndrome and gaining the strength to seriously work towards leaving an abusive partner.
Devise a Safety Plan: A Safety plan, including things like staying in rooms with exits, having a secret phone to call 911, and avoiding rooms with weapons (i.e. kitchens with knives) can help. Here are more tips on safety plans.
Receive Validation: Tell a trained professional about your experience, sharing facts. The professional hearing your story will repeatedly express care and share that they believe you.
Avoid Feeling at Fault: Remind yourself: Violence perpetrated against you is never your fault. You do not deserve abuse. No one has the right to hurt you.
Empower a New Tomorrow: Ask a trained professional to help you access and navigate social, legal, and economic support as you prepare to make informed decisions that address your needs and priorities.
If you or someone you know is experiencing intimate partner violence, here are some further resources:
1-800-799-SAFE (7223)
Text “START” to 88788
Looking for more info? Read my post on Intimate Partner Violence Red Flags and MAD HONEY by Jodi Picoult and Jennifer Finney Boylan