Moving on From a First Love and HEART THE LOVER by Lily King
- Marisa Gelfand
- 3 days ago
- 2 min read
She is a college student who knows dating well enough to recognize when something is different. This isn’t just attraction; it’s love. They do everything together; cook, read, talk, study, and somehow occupy the same space like it is something profound since it’s theirs. Their connection is both physical and deeply cerebral. “We don’t just have sex,” she says. “We read The Aeneid out loud to each other.”
Watching him care about his work reshapes how she sees herself as a writer. They swap stories about childhood, travel together, and don’t just imagine a shared future, but plan it. And then, like many first loves, miscommunication leads to intense hurt. Things crack.
The formal part of being together ends. But the feelings don’t. He never stops loving her; she never stops loving him. Life moves. She falls in love again and becomes a mother. He devotes himself to work and friendships, eventually building a friendship with her and her family.
First loves are formative because everything arrives at once. Hope, possibility, the rush of oxytocin (the love chemical) and dopamine. The first physical milestones, like kissing or sex, and the first attempts at real emotional intimacy. A first love literally rewires the brain to seek that intoxicating blend of comfort and exhilaration. It becomes a memory of a time when things felt simple, when you were brave. The nostalgia can be overwhelming. Our brains are rewired, echoing the brain of someone chasing a first high, and never quite the same again. Not better or worse. Just different.
For many, weaving a first love into the larger story of life is hard. It doesn't mean forgetting; it means incorporating and continuing. Here are tools for moving on from a first love:
Goodbye Ritual: Create a symbolic ending—write an unsent letter, release a balloon, clear away old keepsakes.
Look Forward: Remember you’ve been many versions of yourself, and that first love belonged to an earlier one. Notice who you are now.
Connect With Others: Your first love isn’t your only chance at deep connection. Love returns in new forms. Different, yes. But every bit as meaningful.
