Bonding Over Shared Trauma and WHAT IF I NEVER GET OVER YOU by Paige Toon

Ellie and Ash met while solo backpacking. What begins as a casual happy hour turns into dinner, then an impromptu day of sightseeing. As they wander the city’s streets, their conversation quickly moves beyond small talk into something deeper. Ellie reveals she’s on a trip that was meant to be shared with her best friend, who suddenly died. It turns out Ash is grieving his best friend, too.

They find comfort in each other, not only in shared loss but in the emotional weight they both carry from home. Ellie opens up about her controlling parents. Ash describes a chaotic upbringing.

Though they only spend three days together, they forge a profound connection through speaking about their grief and complicated family ties.

The shared experience of trauma is a big factor. Trauma is isolating, leaving a person feeling unseen. So when someone comes along who truly understands, the connection is powerful. There's comfort in being heard by someone who gets it from lived experience. Suddenly, you're no longer alone.

Building a relationship on shared pain is complicated. If trauma is the foundation, each person might unintentionally trigger the other, or feel dependent on the relationship for healing. The risk of emotional enmeshment is high. If it feels like no one else understands, the other person may seem essential to survival. And if both partners lean on unhealthy coping strategies, they could reinforce patterns of avoidance or emotional numbing.

Here are tools for building a healthy relationship that includes bonding over shared trauma.

Process Trauma Separately: Let therapy be the space for healing. You can support and confide in each other, but your relationship doesn’t need to revolve around shared pain.

Practice Healthy Coping: Avoid reinforcing each other’s numbing behaviors. Instead, gently encourage open conversations and healthier outlets like mindfulness, journaling, creative expression, or enjoyable movement.

Stay Connected to Others: Rather than forming a bubble of two, aim to expand your support system. Strengthen ties with friends and family so your relationship grows in connection, not isolation.

What If I Never Get Over You by Paige Toon