Breaking Unhealthy and Unspoken Family Rules and ALL THE SIGNS by Jessie Rosen
- Marisa Gelfand
- May 7
- 2 min read
Leah Lockhart checks all the boxes. An ob-gyn at a multigenerational, family-owned practice, she’s following in her father and grandfather’s footsteps, proudly carrying on the Lockhart name.
Leah is the picture of purpose. She’s avoided being selfish, the label given to her mother, a free-spirited woman who defied the Lockhart mold and walked away to build a life on her terms.
Leah’s content, or maybe numb, until an astrologer nudges her worldview. Then, she begins to wonder about the expectations she’s been living up to—and what parts of herself she ignored. Her body is protesting, too: bouts of unexplained vertigo are knocking her off her feet.
Every family has spoken and unspoken rules. The spoken ones are easy to spot, like curfews and chore charts. The unspoken rules, though, are trickier. They're learned by watching how people behave and noting which actions earn praise, punishment, or silence.
Take Leah. Her father was celebrated for constantly giving to his patients, while her mother was shamed for following her heart. From that, Leah learned that self-sacrifice is noble, and self-care is selfish.
Families can pass down unhealthy messages. Common unhealthy rules include: emotions are dangerous, conflict is bad, perfection is expected, or your worth depends entirely on your achievements.
You're allowed to reject unhealthy rules that don't fit. It’s crucial. Here are tools for breaking unhealthy and unspoken family rules.
Name What’s Unsaid: Start by spotting unspoken rules shaping your life. Look for patterns. When do you feel stressed or empowered? What gets downplayed or celebrated in those moments?
Question the Rules: When an unspoken rule weighs on you, ask: Who benefits if I follow this? Who decided this for me? What would I choose if it were up to me? Why am I giving power away?
Check Your Values: Once you understand where a rule came from, ask yourself: Does this align with what I care about, or is it steering me off-course? Rewrite or release rules that don’t fit you.
Live It Out: Let people know what’s changing. Start small, build confidence, and align your actions with your real values, not just inherited expectations.
