Dorothy Darling has lived at Shelley House for decades. She spends her days spying on her neighbors, who find her meddling. Dorothy inspects the property daily and keeps a logbook of who comes and goes from the building. When she disapproves of another resident’s behavior, she lectures them. Unsurprisingly, the neighbors bristle against this controlling behavior and dislike Dorothy.
Dorothy wasn’t always controlling. She experienced a trauma, which she’s kept a secret. In response to this secret trauma, which caused her to feel out of control, Dorothy became controlling.
Controlling behavior is driven by anxiety about emotional or physical safety. The controlling person feels that safety will be maintained by establishing a strong sense of order.
Red flags of controlling behavior include outsized frustration when things don’t go according to plan, obsessing over details of what is happening (and when / why), critical thoughts about others, micromanaging behavior, dislike of change and surprises, desire to make plans and decisions so that they are done your way (which you also perceive to be the best way), and impossibly high standards.
Controlling behavior is self-defeating. It is impossible to control other people or situations. When their efforts fail, the controlling person feels angry about the outcome and plans to be more managerial since they still believe controlling will work. This cycle creates stress and problems in interpersonal relationships.
Here are tips to curb controlling behaviors:
Face the Fear: What are you scared will happen if you aren’t in control? Is this fear exaggerated? What are the chances it will happen? How will you cope if the worst-case scenario occurs?
Accept Limitations: You can only control yourself. Accept that your way isn’t the only way. Others make independent choices, uncertainty can be tolerated, and perfection is a myth.
Detach from Pressure: Care about others without solving their problems or imposing your values. Provide support and space as they build resilience, determine their priorities, and make decisions.
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