In her heyday, Judie was a famous folk singer in the Singer Sisters band. She envisioned an illustrious career. But everything short-circuited when her kids were born. Suddenly, Judie was the much-beleaguered wife of a traveling musician, functionally raising her kids alone. Life was busy—there were school lunches and bedtimes—and Judie became a mom, not an artist.
Years later, Judie’s young adult daughter Emma told Judie that she intended to pursue a career as a musician, opting for the family business instead of the security of college. Judie was angry and failed to modulate her response. The argument spiraled quickly, and like many of their conversations, both Judie and Emma ended up saying exceptionally mean things – the type of cutting remarks that are painful because they hit at the other person’s deepest insecurities.
Emma and Judie experienced emotional hijacking, which occurs when a person’s emotions are so heightened that they feel they have lost control and the ability to think rationally. Emotional hijacking is problematic because hurtful comments, especially those that come out in moments of intense emotion and which aren’t truly meant, deeply impact relationships.
Here are tips to avoid making hurtful comments in moments of emotional hijacking.
Pause When Feelings are Escalating: When you observe that your feelings are growing in intensity and recognize that you are no longer using your wise mind, take a break. This can range from pausing the conversation for a few minutes to taking deep breaths before speaking.
Don’t Let Frustration Build: When you avoid resolving minor annoyances, they build over time. Ultimately, you find yourself arguing over a series of complaints instead of one specific topic. When something bothers you, speak up and try to fix the problem instead of letting it linger and grow.
Be Mindful of High-Risk Conversations: Increase your awareness of the topics or individuals that tend to provoke emotional hijacking and plan ways to de-escalate these situations.
Apologize When You Make Mistakes: You won’t change overnight. When you make a mistake and say something hurtful, genuinely apologize.
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