Grieving a Parent Who Was Absent or Harmful and WELCOME TO MURDER WEEK by Karen Dukess
- Marisa Gelfand
- Sep 30
- 2 min read
Cath’s mom lived impulsively, pursuing excitement. This was incompatible with the steady demands of motherhood. So, Cath grew up in her grandmother’s care, with her mom appearing suddenly for a few days only to vanish again, usually too soon and in a disappointing fashion.
When her mother died, Cath was left with a confusing kind of grief. How do you mourn someone who was never fully present?? As she sorted through her mother’s belongings, Cath stumbled upon a surprise: a reservation for the two of them at a week-long murder mystery vacation. Curious, Cath went on the trip alone, determined to uncover why her mother wanted to have this experience together.
Grief is hard. But when the relationship was complicated, grief has an entirely different shape. It’s not just about losing the parent you had, it’s also about grieving the parent you never really got. It’s mourning what could have been. For some, the end of a strained or unhealthy relationship brings an initial sense of relief, as though the rollercoaster has finally stopped. However, relief often gives way to guilt or ambivalence.
If you’ve lost a parent with whom your relationship was complicated, you’re not alone. Here are some tools to help navigate that layered, messy, and very real experience of grieving a parent who was absent or harmful.
Accept Additive Feelings: It’s natural to experience many emotions at once. Grief is a long, layered process, and the feelings that arise may be contradictory. That’s okay. They all belong.
Validate Your Truth: Don’t gaslight yourself into believing “they weren’t that bad” if they were. You can feel sorrow over losing someone and recognize the pain they caused you. Allow yourself to hold both realities without minimizing your experience.
Acknowledge Their Reality: Your parent may have faced mental health challenges or other barriers that limited their abilities. Honor the complexity by reminding yourself: “They did the best they could in difficult circumstances, but their best was painful for me.” This perspective allows honesty, nuance, and compassion without erasing your hurt.
