Grace doesn’t know how to talk about her feelings. Instead of talking to her parents about their family life, she wrote a “fictional nonfiction” novel laying bare several generations of family trauma. Like her fictionalized counterpart, the inter-generational trauma profoundly impacts Grace, leaving her unable to identify or express her emotions. This plays out not just with her family but in her platonic and romantic relationships, in which Grace avoids saying “I love you” to her best friend, boyfriend, and family members.
Many people have difficulty expressing love. Reasons include fear of rejection, an upbringing in which emotions weren’t recognized or allowed, insecure or avoidant attachments with parents, and feelings of unworthiness. Sometimes, the situation is as simple as a lack of role models. If someone has never been told “I love you,” they will likely struggle to say it to another person.
When people love each other, the healthiest way to communicate these feelings is through consistent actions and words. Platonic or romantic relationships can flounder if either member is standoffish in what they say or do, so learning to express love verbally is essential.
Here are tools for learning to say “I love you.”
Identify the Why: What’s your history with the phrase “I love you.” Who said it (or didn’t say it) to you throughout your life? Who have you told it to? In what contexts?
Recognize Your Feelings: Saying “I love you” is considered when you have significant feelings. Journal your definition of love and how you experience those feelings with that person.
Isolate Your Fear: Determine the core concern barring you from expressing love. Are you afraid of rejection? Worried you’re not worthy? Unable to say the words?
Take Small Steps: Face your fear with increasingly intense exposure to your fears. For example, start by saying: “I had a great time with you today,” and build up to “I love you.”
Rehearse: Practice saying “I love you” in low-stakes situations. Say it to yourself in the mirror, your dog while on a walk, or a book you enjoyed. The more you say it, the easier it is to say.
Comentarios