Ebby and her older brother, Baz, were running late. They were supposed to leave the house but decided to stay and play one more game instead. It seemed harmless at the time, but would have devastating consequences. As they played hide-and-seek, people broke into the house. Baz was tragically murdered, while Ebby remained hidden, just a few feet away, unseen and helpless.
Surviving the day her brother was killed left Ebby burdened with crushing guilt, shame, and self-blame. She couldn’t shake the belief that Baz’s death was her fault. What Ebby didn’t know was that her father, too, carried a heavy sense of responsibility. He racked his brain, wondering if moving the family to this neighborhood made them vulnerable. Both Ebby and her father unknowingly blamed themselves for Baz’s tragic death, each wrestling with their own perceived failures.
Self-blame is a common, though painful, response to trauma. After experiencing trauma, it’s natural for people to replay the moment over and over again in their minds, fixating on what they think they could have done differently. This tendency often becomes a destructive coping mechanism, providing a false sense of control. By focusing on what went wrong, the person convinces themselves that the outcome would have been better if they'd made a different choice. But the reality is that life is often chaotic, unpredictable, and out of our hands.
Here are tools to help you let go of self-blame from past trauma.
Recognize What You Did Right: Reflect on ways you did the best you could with the information, resources, and maturity available to you at the time. View yourself as someone who experienced trauma instead of the source of the problem.
Engage in Self-Forgiveness: When negative thoughts creep in, replace them with self-compassion. Avoid giving in to the urge to punish yourself for past mistakes or perceived failures.
Talk About It: Open up to a trusted friend or family member about how you’ve been blaming yourself. Share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences without fear of judgment. Sometimes, simply vocalizing those heavy thoughts weakens their hold on you.