Natalie and Gabby were paired by the most powerful of friendship matchmakers: the administrator at their college who selected them as roommates. Immediately, they were comfortable together and grew to love each other like sisters. After college, they continued living together, each the person who knew the other best.
Then Gabby fell in love with Angus. Natalie didn’t like Angus, and didn’t think he was good enough for Gabby. Gabby and Angus got married, and Natalie was the maid of honor. Gabby and Angus had a baby, and Natalie was the first to know. Gabby was Natalie’s person. Angus was Gabby’s person. It was painful.
We tend to focus on the importance of romantic life partners. But, for many, friend life partners are as significant, if not more vital, than spouses. People with close friends outside of their marriage report lower stress, loneliness, depression, anxiety, and even marital conflict.
But what happens when one friend enters new life phases before the other? There is no right path or perfect timing to get married, have kids, or get promoted. It is normal for two people to start in similar situations with comparable goals and find themselves in vastly differing life stages. How can a friendship be sustained when one person gets married and has children while the other doesn’t?
Here are tips for nourishing relationships with friends in different life stages:
Talk About It: Express your feelings and nonjudgmentally hear your friend’s. It’s normal for people to be jealous and sometimes wish they were in another stage -- in both directions.
Creatively Connect: Instead of relying on shared activities and quality time to sustain the friendship, try other love languages like acts of service and words of affirmation.
Be Flexible: Your life tempo might be different from your friend’s. Seek overlap. If scheduling is tricky, remember you both want to be together. The trouble is logistics, not the relationship.
Celebrate Each Other: Society is better about celebrating proposals and babies than promotions and personal achievements. Show your friend love by celebrating what matters in their life.
Love Laura Hankin? Me too. Check out my post on Relapse Prevention and THE DAYDREAMS by Laura Hankin.
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