It was an unhappy marriage. They lost their spark, argued, and tried an open marriage, which is challenging in even the most secure relationships. It didn’t work. He didn’t attract the desired people; she connected with someone else. Both were upset.
As her connection with the new guy intensified, she researched romantic love versus deep friendship, hoping literature would uncover a justification for her experience and the secret to balance both men. It didn’t because this wasn’t a struggle within a polyamorous relationship. It was the story of a person who had fallen out of love with her partner and in love with someone else and was trying to think her way out of a feelings-based problem.
She was intellectualizing. Intellectualizing is a defense mechanism that uses logic, analysis, rationalization, and overthinking to avoid emotions. In relationships, intellectualizing can lead to overemphasizing and overanalyzing information rather than confronting feelings.
Intellectualization doesn’t solve problems. Instead, it makes things worse long-term by leading to a build-up of unresolved feelings, barring emotional intimacy, impeding living in the moment, and leading to anxiety and depression since feelings are left unprocessed and unresolved.
Here are tools to prevent using the defense mechanism of intellectualizing:
Notice Your Thoughts: Be mindful of red-flag behaviors for intellectualizing, like increased research or overanalyzing. Label the situation when you notice yourself engaging in these thought patterns.
Drop Anchor: Pause intellectualizing using the dropping anchor technique. Acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, come into your body, and engage in the here and now.
Talk with Your Feelings: Interview feelings you’ve been avoiding or covering up by intellectualizing. Ask yourself: What am I trying to think my way out of or away from?
Practice New Patterns: Whenever you notice and label your thoughts, drop anchor, and talk with your feelings instead of intellectualizing, you strengthen a new, healthier pattern.