Leslee wants everyone to like her—or at least admire the character she’s created, which makes her feel validated. To earn people’s admiration, Leslee wears brand-name clothes, buys the most expensive home and yacht in Nantucket, and throws luxurious, raucous parties. She eats at chic restaurants, talks about donating to charities, and networks her way into the running for an exclusive club.
What does Leslee never do? She doesn’t share much about herself, wins at all costs, and puts people down to lift herself up. She never misses an opportunity to flirt with someone else’s partner—frequently under her husband's nose. The community sees right through Leslee’s act and rejects her.
Leslee spends so much time seeking external validation that she never develops a true sense of self.
Everyone seeks external validation to some extent. It’s normal to want others to see and celebrate you occasionally. Problems arise when others’ perception of you defines your entire sense of self. People who consistently seek external validation have difficulty trusting others, experience high levels of anxiety around social rejection, and behave in ways that are erratic, inconsistent, and sometimes desperate.
Here are tips to curb seeking external validation:
Use Positive Affirmations: Notice the everyday good in yourself instead of seeking it reflected by others. Provide yourself with positive messages like “I am enough” or “I can be me.”
Look How Far You’ve Come: When you achieve something, analyze the traits or characteristics you hold that allowed you to succeed. Focus on your story thus far.
Discover Yourself: Get to know yourself. What are your strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and whimsies? Why do you love yourself? What are your opportunities for growth?
Be Consistent: Once you’ve discovered who you are, make decisions that impact you and others based on your identity, values, priorities, and attributes.
Don’t Expect Everyone To Like You: If you’re everyone’s favorite, you’re probably shifting your thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or behaviors to fit what you think others will validate.
Love Elin Hilderbrand? Me too. Check out my post on Personalization and THE FIVE-STAR WEEKEND by Elin Hilderbrand.
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