Jane and Elijah are 90s grunge music enthusiasts who meet in an online music forum. He’s experienced; she’s naïve. Jane moves to Seattle to be with Elijah, to find that he has a drug problem that he was unable to solve before they started a life together. She promises to save him.
They form a band, The Lightning Bolts. Jane’s a whiz at writing songs; Elijah’s voice is magical. He agrees to stop using, then gets her to accept him doing drugs – “just” hallucinogens and alcohol - when performing live. But Elijah also seems high a lot outside of the agreed-upon moments. Jane feels guilty that she can’t get him to stop and runs herself ragged trying to run interference and save him. Their band takes off. Suddenly, they have a platinum record. The pressure is relentless. He’s addicted; she’s drinking to numb the stress of it all. The Lightning Bolts are a mess.
Jane and Elijah’s relationship, one steeped in true love, was codependent.
Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial. They sometimes seesaw but average out at about even. Codependent relationships are dysfunctional, with one person sacrificing their wants, needs, and autonomy to care for the other. Codependency is frequently associated with addiction but refers to any lopsided or enabling relationship.
Here are tips for transitioning from codependency to a healthy relationship.
Do What Makes You Happy: Identify the activities, hobbies, rituals, professional tasks, and self-care you enjoy and incorporate these into your schedule.
Set Boundaries: In a loving but firm tone, communicate ways you will and will not help the other person. Clarify that they are responsible for their own behaviors.
Maintain Other Relationships: Spend time with friends and family outside the codependent relationship.
Look For Patterns: Is history repeating itself? Analyze your attachment style and how past relationships may impact your present.
Recognize You, Me, and We: Different things work for you, the other person, and the relationship. It’s a red flag if you always come in last.
Love Marissa Stapley? Me too. Check out my post on Stages of Change and Moving From Preparation to Action and LUCKY by Marissa Stapley
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