Cecily, a podcast producer, is uncomfortably moving from behind the scenes to the star of the show. The podcast’s concept disgusts Cecily - a relationship coach will send her on 20 dates, from which she’ll hopefully find love. A gym sponsors this find-a-boyfriend show, along with a cat toy company and meal and wine delivery services targeted towards single servings.
Cecily agrees to this ridiculous idea because her company is in financial trouble, and her boss promises that the podcast’s revenue will save the jobs of her best friend and others. It isn’t the only time Cecily has made decisions contrary to her desires. She ceded a successful podcast she’d created to an ex-boyfriend, worked such long hours that she slept at work to help wherever an extra hand was needed. Cecily did this without being asked or appreciated, leaving her feeling wronged.
Cecily experiences unmitigated communion, pathologically putting others first and excluding herself. Other-centeredness—having a positive, caring orientation toward others’ wants and needs—is generally favorable. The difference between unmitigated communion and other-centeredness is that the former involves neglect of the self, leading to distress.
Here are tips for shifting the balance from unmitigated communion or pathologically putting others first (everyone is more important than me) to other-centeredness (we’re all important):
Identify Your Wants: Sometimes, you are so focused on others’ wants that you don’t take the time to ascertain your own. Before doing something plainly for someone else, answer what you want. Hint: “I want them to be happy even if it makes me unhappy,” is unmitigated communion.
Let Go of Control: You are likely motivated by the impossible goal of always making everyone around you happy and protected. Reframe your goal as supporting, providing love and care, and helping when you can.
Seek Equality in Relationships: No relationship is always perfectly evenly balanced, but averaging out to 50/50 is a healthy goal. Cultivate friendships, romantic partnerships, and work-colleague relationships where you give and receive support in approximately equal measure.
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